We are often asked about our intrepid outdoorsman buddy, Badlands Man. Who is he? Where did he come from? How did he get that scar? Is he single?
Friends, no one here knows anything for sure when it comes to Badlands Man. He’s a mystery wrapped in an enigma holding a puzzle standing on cosmic vortex drinking a mind eraser.
So, while we really don’t know anything for certain, here’s what we heard about Badlands Man…
Back in the day, Badlands Man was already a legend… for certain behaviors that might not have been 100% in line with the ideals of law enforcement.
Now, we here at Badlands in no way, shape or form condone breaking the law. But you have to understand that the Badlands Man simply isn’t built for the laws of polite society. No, the only laws that fully pertain to the Badlands Man are the eternal laws of Mother Nature, the five-second rule and (occasionally) the laws of physics.
This here story involves a certain amount of legal latitude, but we’re pretty sure the statute of limitations has expired.
One day, a couple of rich cats approached Badlands Man and challenged him to a feat that was simply impossible. See, these guys wanted to have all their other well-to-do pals over for a private hog hunt, but crossbow hunting wasn’t exactly kosher until it was legalized in 2002. So they challenged Badlands Man to run halfway across the country and bring them back some. And by some, we mean a whole truckload.
Badlands Man never backs down from a challenge. Not from an Arctic blizzard. Not from a hungry grizzly bear who’s chafing in that really sensitive spot just inside the hip joint. And darn sure not from some wannabe cowboy in a rhinestone suit (as was the fashion then).
The first thing our intrepid outdoorsman did was wrangle up a good friend with a fast truck, purchased a hot-rod Pontiac Firebird and even found a co-pilot by rescuing a damsel in distress (and a wedding dress).
Don’t you know it, those boys and girl flew across the south like scalded wildcats. They made it all the way from Atlanta to Texarkana, loaded up the trailer with every crossbow they could get their hands on, and headed back. One might even say they were eastbound and down, loaded up and trucking.
Sure, a whole mess of highway patrolmen, state troopers and possibly even a few game wardens set out to stop ‘em, but this crew declared they were gonna “bring it back no matter what it takes.”
One particular sheriff was really out for justice. He chased Badlands Man from Montague County, Texas, clean back to Atlanta. It takes a lot to impress the Badlands Man, but this fella won him over. Now, his son… whole ‘nother story.
In the end, not only did the Badlands man win that silly bet, he rode off into the sunset with his buddy, his girl and the big shot’s Cadillac. Or, as Badlands Man might say, a pretty typical Thursday.
Eventually, Badlands Man traded the movie rights for this story for a cask of high proof whiskey, some bison jerky and a really good knife. As usual, Hollywood had to mess with a good tale and it ended up being about beer or some such nonsense.
Regardess, that’s how we heard the story.